Calendar Girl

To be fair...

2004-08-29T22:09:00.000-07:00

The letter I received today. I thought I'd publicize it because heartlessness can only be met with even more heartlessness.

He writes:

S,I'm sorry for all the hurt I've caused. I didn't want things to become likethis, but judging from how I've acted I'm not surprised. Perhaps I don't knowwhat I want, what is best for me and what I have in life. Maybe a psychologistcan help. Know that you're not and will never be a forgotten person in my life. I think a little time before we hopefully can speak again will help. Hope youthink so too...

Horses and hate speech

2004-08-29T17:16:00.000-07:00

Today my mom took me to see Cavalia in Berkeley. I like horses so it was worth it, but I'm really glad I didn't have to pay for it. I'm glad that I got to do something I wouldn't normally have done (only because on my own I can't afford it) plus it gave me some degree of reprieve from the bombardment of negativity I have been experiencing in the last 24 hours.

Out of integrity, pride, and some amount of self-preservation I broke it off with the Cypriat. I am of course having a lot of bad feelings about the whole thing- namely that he is a complete fucking idiot. I couldn't live by his schedule and his terms any longer. I could no longer be fifth after credit cards and careers and co-workers. I could no longer throw my emotions full force at his brick-wall facade, hoping that a small piece would crumble, causing the rest to fall.

He fooled me, and fooled me good when I left. He cried his little eyes out when that moving truck pulled away. I was duped into thinking that he cared. Which he did. Yes, he fell in love with me- that I know. But it wasn't enough to overcome his extreme need to be accepted and revered by his parents. He is, without a doubt, the biggest momma's boy you've ever met. That's okay, though. Sensitivity is cute. I just wish that I hadn't cancelled my plans to go to Hawaii to visit my ex. That was an error on my part. I'd still be there right now if I had had any freakin' sense. Oh well. Nothing lost, nothing gained.

I'd like to trash the Cypriat for a minute, if you don't mind. I'm not interested in being called bitter, either, so if that's anyone's inclination just stip reading and move on. If I'm trashing the Cypriat like this next month then we're in a different ball game, but until that time I get to throw stones.

1. Impotence. Have you ever encountered the scientific interruption to your sex life? The little guy got impotent so often because he was "scared of hurting my feelings" that I had to get him Levitra. Not him, but me. I got him the Levitra. He was content just whacking his soft little mushroom. The last three descripters are true, true, and true.

2. Sex drive. I like to bang. He only could go once a day or every other day. It was "disappointing." To say the least. Listen, I am a sex kitten. I want it often. He had some sort of fucking quota.

3. Momma's boy. See above.

4. Superficiality. He left me because of a superficial need to go to a big name school. He will never ever obtain the satisfaction he is looking for. He is obsessed with "Washington University" and his $85,000 a year salary and being at a school that has "prestige." Fuck that.

5. Cockiness. We would go out, I would be dressed to the nine and he would give me the "oh, you look nice." The rest of the evening would be multiple discussions about his clothes, hair, eyebrows, skin, muscles. Whatever else was under the sun that had to do with him and his appearance.

6. LAME sense of humor. We would have our share of laughs, but he was the king of the cheesy joke. I appreciate a mood lightener, but I do not appreciate the obvious, effortless joke.

Anyway, I have to go eat. I feel better already.

YOU SUCK, HARIS.

2004-08-25T12:20:00.000-07:00

Just me!

First and foremost

2004-08-25T11:42:00.000-07:00

As I am completely new to the blog thing, but a veteran diary writer in times of need, I thought going public with my psyche couldn't hurt.

I've recently moved to the Bay Area from living in San Diego for the last third of my life. My first third was in the South Bay of the Bay Area, the second in the East Bay. For all you math geniouses out there that makes me 27. 9 years was a pretty significant amount of time in San Diego and one could say that I did most of my growing up there. (If growing up includes, but is not limited to, drugs, sex, and music).

The transition from San Diego- the quintessentially laid back, sun drenched capital of the world- to the Bay Area hasn't been too bad. I miss my friends of course- that will probably only get worse in the future, but I'm excited for this new adventure. I'm not at all risk adverse.

Seeing as how my identity is so dramatically unsettled I am struggling to hold on to some things/relationships of the past. This especially applies to the man that I left down there- we'll call him the Cypriat. I took off because I knew I'd always come back up here, but I also took off because he was going too. The Cypriat will be moving from SD to St. Louis in a matter of weeks and I took it upon myself to "beat" him to the punch. Thank god I did. That was a good move. What's not a good move is that as sit here in my mom's house in Los Gatos, pining away for a job, I find myself desperately clinging to the notion that we could get back together. In a big way I know that it could work forever with us, in another way I don't think I ever want to see the man again. The man who chose a job in St. Louis over me. Now, I guess this job was "an opportunity of a lifetime," but let's make something crystal clear. I am and opportunity of a lifetime. Girls like me don't come around very often, in fact I know almost noone like me except for some of my closest girlfriends. Certainly there's no need to pander with self-inflating comments, so trust me- I'm just that good.

I'm completely baffled as to what to do here- do I express (repeat) my anger at the situation or do I let it lay low until I find someone else? As I am living with mom, jobless, and without a good social circle right now I am not really in a great position to be hunting for another dude. I don't even want another dude right now. At the same time, if there was something I could do or say to make the Cypriat realize the error of his ways and come back. Even if he did so, wouldn't I be denying mself something so wonderful as the single life of SF? I guess I can only get there and find out then... Until tomorrow...